He stopped reaching out to me

Today he stopped responding as much, and I was the one to engage in the conversation. I reached out to him, and he told me that he had a headache and that he wasn’t getting enough sleep. For the rest of the day he didn’t seem as engaged in the discussion. He’s mentioned to me many times that he’s just ready to graduate college (this is his last semester), and I honestly think he’s just exhausted.

But now he just seems more irritable when I try to reassure him that everything will be OK. I don’t really know what I should do with him. He hasn’t started a single conversation with me all day, but I just blame the fact that he’s stressed and busy. Should I be worried about this transition since it’s so early in us getting to know each other? Also, what should I do further to not irritate him and comfort him through this process?


A. Everyone has bad days. Sometimes it’s difficult to send messages when you don’t feel well and have stuff to do.

But that’s not the real problem here.

You’re very focused on this man’s needs when you should be more concerned about your own. This is a new relationship and you’re already worried about irritating him and how you can manage his moods. Try to think about whether this connection is making you happy with any consistency. You had a real connection and a lot to say to each other, but that was the initial high — the rush that comes when you meet someone new, even virtually.

After that, it was confusing. He was talking about huge plans, which makes me think he doesn’t understand how monumental these decisions might be. Why would moving to Ohio be a good idea for you right now? Like you said, you barely know each other.

Ever since you brought up reality, he’s been more unreachable. Overwhelmed. Follow his lead and give him space to take care of himself so you can do the same. This isn’t an “I’m giving you the silent treatment so you call me” game; it’s a moment for both of you to focus on what comes next. If he wants to deal with this last semester on his own and exaggerated his relationship goals, that will become clear. It’s better for you to know what’s real.

For the record, you can call this off because it’s not working for you. There’s no reason to wait for him to make the decisions.



Cut your losses immediately and stop contacting him. This is a disturbing pattern and I believe you are being played (not sure how or why). Initially, it was love-bombing which is a sign that there’s another phase coming. Phase 2 is the freeze out. Don’t stick around for Phase 3.


You talked for two days, and he’s not feeling well for day three, and you write to an advice column because he’s not so communicative while sleeping? If you want to not irritate him — or drive him away with your neediness — let him rest. He’ll reach out to you when he’s ready. If he doesn’t, then go back on your app.


I don’t know what his intentions are, but don’t hitch your wagon to this one.


Send your own relationship and dating questions to [email protected]. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.






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